


If You Go Away On This Summer Day (you might as well take the sun away)

by westcoastcas



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Harry Plays The Piano, M/M, Medical Inaccuracies, Minor Injuries, No Smut, Physical Disability, Seizures, Some fluff too, Terminal Illnesses, Timeline What Timeline, but harry has long hair because i want him to, everyone cries on zayns shoulder, i dont think this will have many chapters but you know, i honestly didnt mean to drag it out this much tho sorry abt that, louis can make pancakes au, louis is small, louis sings a lot, so this is in like early 2014, they cry a lot like A Lot, well only after a point, yeah i think a Lot of those
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-08
Updated: 2016-07-09
Packaged: 2018-05-25 13:58:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6197761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westcoastcas/pseuds/westcoastcas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He felt his weak fingers in his hair. The room smelled like lavender- the moonlight reflected on their skin, soft. The deep sound of the leaves ruffling hitting the windows from the garden, Harry placed his soft lips on Louis’ hair. “I wanna die right here.”</p><p> </p><p>Harry can't figure out what's wrong with him, neither can Louis. But once it settles on a name, it only goes downhill from there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay- this is my first larry fic ever, not an AU, also a really bad choice to start with, so yeah. Also english isn't my first language, all mistakes are mine. And just a regular side note, this is a work of fiction. I do not own One Direction.
> 
> The title is from Neil Diamond's If You Go Away.

The raindrops hit the back of his coat heavily, he stumbled as he tried to squirm his way through the huge glass door with two of his bodyguards. The flashes didn’t stop, he put his hand above his eyes as he threw kind hearted smiles to people screaming at his face. He saw the black SUV and sighed, the flashes started to burn his skin, he felt his limbs getting heavier as he took each step towards the car- the sombre feeling of the 10.45pm flight in his chest desperately carrying him forward. He felt like his sight got blurry for a second, held onto Lancelot, who carried him through his last steps and opened the door for him, grabbing his bag off his back.

 

He stepped in and shifted towards the left seat, putting his feet up and placing his knees against his stomach- listening to the voices getting deeper- like he was underwater, as the door slammed shut and the engine started running. He put his head down and clenched his hands together. He heard the deep voice calling to him from the drivers seat.

 

“Where to sir?”

 

He inhaled deeply, his thoughts were all over the place. He put his feet down and rubbed his temple, looking outside. He watched the cars passing them, the dark matte glass darkening the colors.

 

“Uh, home.”

 

He looked up and saw Lancelot staring at him through the mirror deeply.

 

“Everything okay back there kid?”

 

He swallowed, licked his lips. “Yeah, just tired.”

 

He saw the man nod and talk with the driver, their conversation started to sound like mumbling. He looked out, the roads getting familiar.

 

It has been 4 months.

 

The leather seats started to feel uncomfortable, he closed his eyes and put his head back, he just wanted to get home. Get home, get to him. Take a hot shower, change into a nice, clean sweater. Get in their warm bed, put his head on puffy, newly washed pillow- and see him, kiss him- his soft skin and sunkissed cheeks, his delicate hands, wrists. Embrace him, feel his chest against his, feel his cheeks squishing against his shoulder. Look at him- look at him till the sun goes down, till his eyes burn, his eyelids get heavy, till they can’t get enough.

 

Suddenly the car stopped, and he felt something drop in his stomach. He didn’t wait for Lancelot and opened the car door with a swift move, his eyes wandered around the big garden and the parking space behind it, he turned to the huge oak door and above it, the huge glass that reflected the yellow light inside. He quickened his pace towards the door, feeling like flowers were spilling out his chest as he took each step. He knocked on the door harshly, he felt like his hands were trembling. And then the door opened, and the words he would spill out went straight back in.

 

“Hey Liam.”

 

“Hey man.” He smiled brightly and hugged a motionless Harry, patting his back. “How was the trip?”

 

Harry felt bad. Felt bad about wanting to tell him off and not being able to pull a sincere smile. “Was good, M’ a bit tired though.”

 

“Yeah, you wanna eat? There’s some-”

 

“Where’s Louis?” He couldn’t help but interrupt.

 

Liam took a short moment. “Oh, he’s back in the states I think. Thought you’d know?”

 

He felt his chest drop, like something pierced his lungs.

 

“I was here to grab some games though- having a night with Niall. I was gonna invite you but figured you’d be too tired, actually Niall still wants to have a night out. Maybe when Zayn is back from home? Anyways I was just gonna leave- unless you-” Liam pointed around vaguely, “Need something?”

 

Harry felt like if he opened his mouth to talk, nothing would come out. He would probably throw up instead.

 

Okay, they haven’t talked for roughly a couple of days, they’ve both had issues with their phones, and the time was never convenient. “Uh-” but Louis knew he was coming back today. And he just flied the fuck _away_ from home? “No thanks, I think I’ll go straight to bed.”

 

“Okay mate. See you around.” Liam patted his shoulder and went to get his coat. “Oh and I’m leaving the key here, okay? Give me a call tomorrow.”

 

He offered him a small smile, waving his hand tiredly and watching Lancelot holding his bag and chatting with the driver. Liam stepped out and walked over to them, talking with a bright smile. Then he walked towards his car behind the parking space, who parks their fucking car _behind_ the _parking space_. He watched him drive away, and Lancelot carrying his bag inside. He said goodbye and closed the door on his way out, leaving Harry in the middle of the entrance, his palms burning.

 

He rushed over to the laptop without even taking his coat off. He opened it and logged in to Twitter. He threw himself on the couch, almost about to tweet he hit his forehead and opened DMs instead. He waited for his messages to send with something red burning inside him.

 

He pushed away the computer and stood up, took his coat off. He rubbed his eyes and waited for a notification, even though he knew Louis wouldn’t answer. Twitter? Really?

 

He thought about how soon he could buy a phone. How does one lose a phone on a yacht? Wonders never cease. He hated everything about this. From the beginning of this stupid PR stunt and to his flight tonight, including everything inbetween. Who has to do PR stunts during a two year hiatus?

 

After releasing _Midnight Memories_ , they decided to not to tour this one. Of course the feedback was very harsh at first. _It’s gonna get better_ , he told himself, Louis told him. Maybe it was, first it started with _Are they breaking up?_ and it went on with going solo rumours- then the stunts started, just before Harry’s 20th birthday. After a month from that he had to leave for another stunt, on a fucking _yacht_ , and now when he had nothing coming up for at least half a year, Louis flies off for god knows why.

 

He didn’t notice he knocked down a glass as he walked towards the fridge, the shattering sound made him flinch. He opened the fridge when he heard a knock on the door. He ran over, nearly stepping on the broken glass. Even though his mind kept telling him it can’t be Louis, it was also crying out _I can’t sleep alone tonight._ The knocking was harsher, he felt the bump in the back of his throat as he tried to keep his teary eyes open. He opened the door, almost too scared of not being able to, and held on to the lock, he was faced with nothing but the cold, sharp air slapping him in the face. He stepped outside, feeling dizzy. He looked around the big garden, the green of the wet trees looking black in the dark- he looked around desperately, waiting for a surprise shout of his name, two arms wrapping around him. But nothing came, and nothing kept coming. He stood there, feeling like his thoughts are spilling out, like his bones are melting, despite the freezing wind. He stepped back in, closing the door softly and putting his forehead against it.

 

He never felt this far away from home, as he stood in it.

 

He banged his head against the oak softly- he took a step back with red eyes that seemed puffy, his skin felt dry and dirty, his hair tangled. He felt the annoyence in every cell in his body, the heat up in his ears. He looked over at the laptop once more and went upstairs to their bedroom, sat in front of the huge, lit mirror and classic furniture. He couldn’t even turn to look at their bed, tidy and not used. Distant, empty, a bit cold. He couldn’t help his tears falling down, as he stared into the mirror. He took his hairbrush from the table in front of him and started brushing his hair too harshly, getting rid of the tangles as he kept crying. He watched the curls frazzle around it as his grip tightened. He opened the drawer and took out a nail polish bottle, something metalic, rich. He started putting it on, focusing on doing it properly, kicking the table with a loud growl when he can’t. He watched his tears fall down too quick, heavy. It burned his skin. The dark, cold room felt strange. He quickly opened another drawer and took out a faded pink lipstick- almost the color of his own lips. He weakly put it on, then put it away. He looked down at his hands.

 

He looked up at the mirror and put his chin on his palm. He stared at the curls around his shoulder, his shiny nails, lips, eyes. He stayed there so long, the feeling became unreal. He stood up with a deep breath, shutting the door with a harsh move, he stepped over to the wardrobe. He started looking through Louis’ clothes. He found the shirt he was looking for, as he wondered how he didn’t pack this one, he went to their bed and just threw himself on it. He clenched the shirt in his hands, probably getting nail polish all over it. He buried his face deep in it, the smell burning the crook of his nose. He kissed it softly, the anger felt like he put it under a thick layer. It felt like it degraded slowly, as he clinged on the shirt tighter.

 

_Not Heartbroken_

 

*****

 

Harry woke up with a buzzing phone around somewhere, which, _what?_ He quickly straightened his back in the bed, it was still dark outside. He looked down at the shirt that had faded pink stains.

 

He looked up, then the phone buzzed again. He felt it near his pocket. With wide eyes, he took out his phone from his jeans, staring at the screen that read _Lou_. He felt his throat burning, with shaky fingers he accepted the call.

 

“Jesus fucking _Christ_ , Harry-”

 

But?

 

His tears started rolling down on the spot, his chest burned-

 

“Why aren’t you returning to my calls you absolute-”

 

“Louis-” He choked up, his legs felt weak.

 

“Yeah, Louis? I’m on my way home and you haven’t called me for over a week- I don’t even know where you are!” He listened to Louis’ voice with his eyes shut.

 

“I-I’m home- I thought I lost my phone Lou, I don’t even know,”

 

“Just- God, I’ll be there in 10. Don’t wander off. ” Something was off with his last sentence, Louis almost sounded scared, but obviously concerned. It felt unpleasent.

 

And just like that the voice was gone, and Harry was sitting in the bed with the shirt in his hand and the phone in the other- both down, tears drying on his cheeks. He sat there, exactly like that. Till the door opened, the lights got on and he looked up.

 

“Oh god.” Louis dropped his bag on the ground and ran over to him, holding his arm and sitting on the bed- he moved his hands to his cheeks-then forehead. Harry looked at him with empty eyes, Louis wrapped his arms around him, squeezing him tight. He put his arms around him slowly, barely acknowledging doing it. He looked at his shiny nails on Louis’ back, he put his cheek against the crook of his neck. He felt his hand going through his curls, he shut his eyes, his brows furrowed. He inhaled Louis, then he felt a hand on his chest, slowly pushing back. Louis put his hands on his cheeks. He whispered, giving him a warm look. “What happened, love?”

 

He opened his mouth but could only sob, he held onto Louis’ arms as he struggled to get the words out. “Before the flight I was trying to speak with you- I tried everything-” He licked his lips, “Then-then I couldn’t find my phone, thought I lost it-after I got off the plane-I-I got home and you weren’t here Lou-” He inhaled, watched Louis nodding and listening carefully- “Then I went to bed and you-you _called-”_ He rocked his body forward, his stomach burning.

 

“Do you remember when this happened, Harry?” Louis asked softly, caressing his cheek.

 

“Yesterday.” He answered while looking down, then heard Louis sigh quietly. He looked up, his voice barely came out- “What’s wrong with me, Lou?”

 

“Okay-Harry, I want you to listen to me carefully, okay love?” He waited for Harry to nod. “Nothing’s wrong with you. It’s just- all this has been a bit rough on you, yeah? A bit too harsh, you’re just stressing over it, it’s normal.” He ran his fingers through Harry’s hair softly, “We’re gonna get you cleaned up, then I’ll make you a cup of tea, yeah?” He kissed his forehead, then held his hands, looking down. He smiled and whispered, “That’s a nice color love. That the one I got you?”

 

Harry nodded weakly.

 

“Looks good on you.” He kissed his hand and put his chin on it, looking up at Harry. “Bath?”

 

Harry stared down at him, pausing for a moment. “Okay.”

 

“Okay.” Louis took a breath and let go of his hand, standing up.

 

“Louis?”

 

He heard Harry’s voice from behind, so small-so vulnerable, he actually couldn’t turn to face him. “Hm?”

 

“Your shirt-” He raised it up, Louis turned his back and looked down. “It’s-got stains,”

 

He sat back down and held it in his hands, stared at Harry.

 

“So this here-” He pointed at the collar, “is your- lipstick?” he said softly.

 

“Yeah.” Harry looked down at it. He pointed at another spot. “And that’s-”

 

“Nail polish.” They said at the same time, looked up at each other with little smiles.

 

After a pause, Louis pointed at another spot- “and that?”

 

Harry furrowed his brows, turning the shirt around to see better. “I don’t know what that is,-”

 

“You don’t know what that is, okay.” He chuckled warmly and Harry gave him a sincere smile. “Think I’ll wear it like this, to be honest. Looks better, dontcha think?” Harry looked down at the shirt, his smile fading after.

 

Louis leaned forward, kissed his forehead. “It’s okay, I’m here. I’m home, yeah?”

 

“Yeah.” He whispered weakly.

 

“ _You’re_ home.” He paused. “And you know what’s better than that?”

 

Harry looked up, childishly confused. “What?”

 

“A cuppa and some cuddles. C’mon.”

 

After carefully taking Harry’s clothes off, Louis got in the tub with him, still wearing his boxers. He sat behind Harry and reached to get the shampoo. He always felt so small while taking baths together, Harry’s broad shoulders and big hands on his back, neck, all over him- but now with Harry leaning forward, he felt his chest sink. He touched his back softly, placing a kiss on his neck.

 

He washed his hair slowly and carefully, fixing the tangles and caressing his curls. He rinsed it with lukewarm water- he scrubbed his skin softly, taking his time. Then Harry turned to face him, then look down. He did his shoulders, chest and thighs- then hair again, with Harry leaning forward. Louis watched the bubbles falling around, then suddenly Harry looked up, his head hitting Louis’ chin.

 

“Ow-”

 

“You okay, love?” Louis placed his hands on the back of his head with a chuckle.

 

Harry stared at him and bit his cheek, looked down with a smile.

 

“What?” He watched Harry. “ _What?_ ” The silence went on for a long moment, broken with Harry’s grin.

 

“Your beard.”

 

“My-?” He rubbed his fingers on his chin, his hand covered in bubbles. “A _child_ , Harry,-”

 

“Huh?”

 

“-S’ what you are,” They were grinning like children, Louis put his hand on his forehead and shook his head.

 

“Louis-”

 

“Christ, don’t-” Harry was laughing at him and Louis couldn’t help but fond, pushing his shoulders softly. “Okay, okay, turn around.” Harry did, then shifted backwards so that he could lay on Louis’ chest. They didn’t talk, Harry closed his eyes and inhaled calmly.

 

Louis slowly rinsed his hair a second time, nuzzling his cheek in his curls.

 

“That would make a good pirate name.” Harry’s voice echoed.

 

Louis washed the last bit of shampoo off his hair. “What?”

 

“Bubblebeard.”

 

Louis smiled. Harry felt Louis smile.

 

After they got out, Louis wrapped a soft towel around him, then another one around his head. He patted and rubbed his hair carefully, Harry kept looking at him when his hair or the towel wasn’t blocking his sight. Louis saw flashes of his bright eyes and smile while drying his hair, his arms were getting tired, his feet too- from standing on his tiptoes.

 

He put the towel on his head and patted his cheek once. “There. You have clean clothes?”

 

Harry shook his head as a no. Louis rubbed his temple. “Okay then, get one of my sweaters, yeah?”

 

Harry opened his mouth to say something, then smiled and locked his lips. “Louis.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“They won’t fit you know-”

 

“Oi- Excuse me,-”

 

“You’re size small, Louis,”

 

“ _No_ , I’m not,” He edged the words, his accent thick,

 

“ _You’re like size extra small_ -” Harry looked down at Louis, shaking his head with a breathy laugh.

 

“Fuck off Harold, go shove your flower petaled greasy Gucci suit up your arse.” He stepped out the bathroom just wearing wet boxers, some bubble on the side of his face, and ruffled hair- almost stumbling on his way out, Harry listened to the sound of his barefeet- _tap, tap, tap-_ and couldn’t stop smiling.

 

“You love that suit! Too bad it’s big on you.” Louis heard on his way downstairs, towards the kitchen.

 

“I’m six steps and a cuppa tea away from kicking your arse you gigantic doorknob.”

 

Harry bursted out laughing, his towel fell down from his head. He took it off the ground and tossed it on one of the shelves. He went downstairs and walked over to the kitchen, standing in front of the door with a huge grin. “That’s big words, coming from someone who’s like 5’6.”

 

“5’9.”

 

“ _5'9_ , wow.” Harry watched Louis making tea, his back muscles relaxed.

 

“Go get dressed.” Louis called out, Harry could just _hear_ him smile in his words.

 

“Okay little one.” He licked his lips then saw a _teabag_ flying towards him, he dogded it quickly and he kept looking at Louis with a serious expression, then began talking slowly, “Oh my god, you could pierce my _skin_ with that-”  

 

“You’re ridiculous. Get out of my kitchen.”

 

Harry walked back to their bedroom with a soft smile, he actually went through Louis’ clothes. Just in case. And then this one shirt tossed in the back- he held it to read the label. That’ll do.

 

He put on his sweatpants and found the remote control. He went through the channels, then stopped at _Showtime._ He got in the bed and left the blanket at his waist. Louis pushed the door open with his back, holding two cups of tea.

 

“Hey Lou, guess what?”

 

He looked over the TV as he pushed the door close with his bum. “You found an episode of _Shameless_ you haven’t seen at least four times?” He came over and handed one cup to Harry, then going around the bed to his side.

 

“No, I found one of your shirts that fits me.” He said with a bright smile.

 

Louis looked at him with narrowed eyes. “Is that one of _your_ shirts that are small on you?”

 

“Hah! So you admit yours would be small on me.” Louis rolled his eyes. “Okay I swear, this is just one of yours.”

 

Louis looked at his Harry’s chest and the shirt’s arms strecthing. “Hmm.” He shook his head, then put his pillow up so that he could put his back against it.

 

After a moment Harry shifted closer and put his head on his chest, nuzzling his cheek. He put an arm around his waist, then slowly, Louis pulled the blankets over them.

 

The tea was getting cold but neither of them wanted to move. The sound of the TV seemed to fade away.

 

“You’re too good, Lou.” Harry whispered into his chest.

 

Louis placed his cheek against Harry’s curls- he inhaled quietly, then placed his hand on the back of his head. “Don’t worry about it, love.”

 

“Tea was lovely.” He mumbled.

 

“Didn’t even drink it.” Louis whispered, closing his eyes.

 

“But I know it is.”

 

“Okay, point.”

 

After a long silence passed, Louis almost drifting away- “Hey Lou?”

 

“Hm?” He tightened his arms just a bit.

 

“This shirt is big on you. That’s why it fits me.”

  
Louis mumbled something back that neither of them could hear.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll probably add some tags as I update. For this chapter: seizures. 
> 
> Also quick note- the fic will have some parts with songs, I'll link them through and name them here.
> 
> 1\. The Beach Boys / Beaches In Mind

When Louis woke up to an empty bed, he quickly got up and-

 

“Harry!”

 

He opened the bathroom door, then he went over to the living room, then downstairs, kitchen- then he saw him standing in the hallway. _God_ , he whispered to himself as he walked over. He was staring at one of the paintings they had on their wall.

 

**Dante and Virgil in hell**

 

_William-Adolphe Bouguereau_

 

“Who put this up, Louis?” He asked with a bit weak, cold- unreadable voice. Louis smiled shyly, watching from an angle where he couldn’t really see his eyes.

 

“You did?” He chuckled softly, watching him.

 

Harry kept staring at it, his lips locked. He focused on the top, Louis looked up to see what he was looking at- Harry turned to him.

 

“I told you to put it down before.” He said with a shaking voice and sharp eyes.

 

Louis furrowed his brows, a bit taken aback, “You put it up like five months ago- you weren’t even home for the next four.”

 

Harry opened his mouth then shut it, looking down, “I remember- we’ve been through this. I was standing right here,” he felt Louis’ soft touch on his shoulder as he went on with a hint of panic in his tone, “and you were-”

 

Like something hit him hard in the knees, Harry found himself on the ground against the wall with a heavy ache in his legs- he felt like needles were stinging his fingertips, he looked down at his hands.

 

“What’s wrong with my hands-” His voice shook and he noticed Louis kneeling in front of him, his hands on his shoulders, Louis glanced at his hands quickly.

 

“Nothing’s-”

 

“ _Oh god_ ,” he managed to get the words out with a breathy voice, “Louis, it’s-”

 

“ _Harry_ -”

 

“ _I’m dying, I’m gonna die,”_ Harry squeaked with a shaky voice- his pink lips trembled, “ _I’m gonna die-_ ” he looked up at Louis, eyes filled with tears- he gripped his chest tightly, gasped for air-

 

“ _Listen_ -”

 

And just like that, Harry felt like he went underwater, and a high pitched sound filling his ears, he stared at Louis- his body shaking heavily,

 

Louis pushed Harry’s damp hair back as he kept trying to level his tone- “-and breathe okay, _I’m here, look,”_ his hands shook as he touched Harry’s trembling ones on his chest,

 

“ _I’m here-You’re with me_ -” Harry kept looking up at him, unable to hear his words- he felt his tight grip on his hands so he squeezed back. Louis put his hands on his shoulders to keep him still- he felt his throat burning as he kept talking but couldn’t hear his own words.

 

His eyes locked onto Louis’- “ _I-_ ” He barely felt the tears on his cheeks, the bump in his throat hurt each second, then his mouth felt empty, like babbling, words started to spill out, continuous mumbles- Louis wiped the spit on his mouth and chin with his hands, he couldn’t keep his tears from falling down, his voice cracked-

 

“ _Harry_ ,” Then his head fell back against the wall, eyes drifting away and locked on something on the ground- Louis pushed his hair back from his forehead again, his voice came out so small, “Can you hear me?”

 

And with that Harry’s head dropped forward, Louis felt his stomach flip.

 

After a long moment during which Louis had completely lost himself in his racing heart and thoughts, he heard a low grunt, and held Harry’s shoulder firmly, but soft. He saw his eyes open slowly, then looking up at him. He took a deep, shaking breath and placed his hand on Harry’s right cheek.

 

He whispered, his chest pounding, “Can you hear me?”

 

A long beat passed.

 

Harry nodded weakly.

 

Louis looked down, trying quiet his heart pounding in his chest. He sighed, looked up at Harry again.

 

“You know who I am?” He placed his palm on his forehead softly.

 

He took a longer moment, which burned Louis’ throat.

 

“You know where you are?” His voice came out weak, he shifted his knees just a little.

 

“Home,” Came a weak whisper right after the question- Louis exhaled deeply with teary eyes, he leaned forward and pressed his lips in Harry’s curls, then put his chin on his head- holding him tight and close to his chest.

 

“Home.” Came the last answer.

 

*****

 

It had been a week since they went to the hospital. After a genetic test and a neurologist appointment, Harry had been so out of it the whole time. Like Louis was dragging him around on his feet- all their conversations were mumbling, all the touches were momentary.

 

Now he was between four walls again, his eyes focused on someone across the table from the comfotable seat he was sitting in. He felt the grip on his shoulder from the back tightening- he tried getting used to the unfamiliar setting, also starting to make out the words one by one.

 

 _“...responsible gene on chromosome 4._ _One part of the gene repeats itself over and over again, this repeat is what causes the development of Huntington’s disease, known as a CAG repeat. Anyone with 40 CAG repeats or above is, unfortunately, certain to develop Huntington’s disease in their lifetime.”_

 

Harry felt his throat burn.

 

“ _But in our ca_ se, considering our patient’s age and his CAG repeat- which is over 50, we are dealing with Juvenile Huntington’s disease.” Silence. “Generally, this case is seen in much younger ages- but, I’m really sorry to say, that our patient’s symptoms developed at the age of 20.”

 

Harry listened to the words like they were meant for someone else- because there was _no way_ they were about him. He felt Louis’ hand on his shoulder- he pinched the side of his own wrist.  

 

“At earlier and middle stages you may go through behavioural disturbances- difficulty with the physical production of speech and swallowing,” Another pinch. “-heavy mood swings and seizures- which you will be unable to predict, it can be twitching or shaking in the limbs- and it can be absent mindedness followed by a blackout.”

 

He heard Louis’ voice behind him- small, almost unhearable, despite the silent room. “And later stages?”

 

Harry saw the man take a slow breath, clearing his throat and focusing his eyes up,on Louis’.

 

“JHD takes away abilities over time, there is a need for strategies to be adapted as the disease progresses. Ultimately, placement of an affected person in an appropriate long-term care facility may need to be considered. The patient may suffer from memory loss, the progression is much faster at such an early age. No treatments can alter the course of Huntington's disease, but medications can lessen some symptoms of movement and psychiatric disorders.”

 

“So when is the deadline?” Harry asked with a weak tone, unconsidered words leaving his lips- his mind still not caught up.

 

The doctor opened his mouth, then shut it again. Louis clenched his teeth. He wasn’t ready to hear that. He wasn’t ready to hear when-

 

“4 months to a year.”

 

Harry furrowed his brows and looked down at his hands, trying to inhale without the sharp feeling in his chest.

 

There were so many words to be said, but nobody could bring themselves to do it. Harry shut his eyes tight, maybe this would be the moment he woke up. From the hospital to going back home, everything overlapped. The shock still remained- Louis was so quiet while driving over to the boys’. Harry shut his eyes tight, maybe this would be the moment he woke up. He remembered faintly nodding when Louis asked him if he wanted to tell them. When they were there- Harry watched everyone without a word, still feeling like all this wasn’t happening to him but someone else. He felt all the glances locked on him- He shut his eyes tight. Maybe this would be the moment he woke up.

 

But it was the one he realized he wouldn’t- the air was still heavy when he opened his eyes. He felt something settle in his stomach, twisting it forcefully.

 

Zayn drove them home. Louis sat in the backseat with his fingers deep in Harry’s hair.

 

When they got home, he carried Harry on his shoulders as much as he could- to their bedroom.

 

He carefully placed his head on the pillow. He took his coat off and closed the door, he got in the bed and shifted closer to Harry’s side.

 

A long moment passed in silence, both quiet.

 

“I don’t wanna die in a hospital bed.” Louis looked up, hearing Harry’s low voice.

 

He felt his weak fingers in his hair. The room smelled like lavender- the moonlight reflected on their skin, soft. The deep sound of the leaves ruffling hitting the windows from the garden, Harry placed his soft lips on Louis’ hair. “I wanna die right here.”

 

*****

 

In the morning, Louis woke up before the sunrise. The room was dark and heavy- he inhaled quietly. He nuzzled his cheek against Harry’s chest- like he was slipping away. Which...yeah.

 

He stood up, rufflings his hair- then looked down at Harry. His heavy curls at the side of his cheek, his washed away nail polish. He felt like all the air was sucked right out of his lungs, as he kept staring at him, he felt so distant and cold. He couldn’t bare, went to the bathroom to wash his face. He stood in front of the mirror, stared at his chest. His bones felt heavier each second, he kept thinking. _Have your breakdown now. Have your breakdown alone. Not with him, not around him._ He looked down, breathing heavily.

 

Every second marked, slipping off his hands- with clenched teeth, he bit his tongue. He shut the door harshly, hoping it didn’t wake him up right after. He felt his eyes burning, his palms itching. He looked around desperately- and grabbed the first thing he saw and threw it on the wall with much effort. The shattering sound triggered his tears- the back of his throat burned as he grabbed another glass and threw that too- with a loud growl. He breathed heavily and pressed his palm on his forehead. He wanted to reach for the candles but his shaky hands didn’t cooperate. He put his back against the large sink, trying to keep his balance. He pressed his elbows down till it hurt. He inhaled deeply and wiped his tears away and washed his face with his tiny, trembling hands.

 

He got out of the bathroom, hearing the soft click of the shutting door.

 

He walked over to the bed with weak steps, his eyes locked on Harry. He got in and pulled the blankets up. He rested his head on his shoulder, and his cheeks on the puffy blanket. He closed his eyes- the room was still dark, cold. He felt Harry shifting underneath.

 

“Lou?”

 

“Morning love.” He said, keeping his tone as soft as possible,- as if he wasn’t dying with him.

 

Harry hummed quietly, wrapping his arms around Louis’ stomach. Louis inhaled, closing his eyes, nuzzling his cheek on his chest- “What do you wanna do today?”

 

Harry took in the question, and the undertones- he wanted to feel angry. He wanted to shout- and cry his heart out, he wanted to rip open everything around him- he wanted to feel sad.

 

He didn’t want to feel scared.

 

“Can we go to the beach?” He managed to get out quietly, pushing his thoughts away.

 

Louis looked up at him with a bump in his throat. “Of course love.”

 

In a couple of hours filled with getting out of the bed, slow breakfast- Harry insisted he could eat by himself, so Louis sat in front of him, avoiding his eyes and skipping his own breakfast- and packing, they were in the car.

 

Harry’s head was against the window, with Louis driving carefully over the bumps- he slept peacefully.

 

Louis drove slowly, glancing over every now and then. With the soft [radio buzz](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TG74G-Cqjgk&t=1m19s), and a warm smile on Harry’s face, he couldn’t help but wonder if they could have this moment again.

 

He stopped the engine after half an hour, parking at the side of the old, empty road. The sun was setting when he woke Harry up with a soft poke. He opened his eyes to the red sky- his lips hanging open just a bit. Louis watched him- and leaned forward, placing his hand at the side of his cheek, he turned Harry’s head to his softly, he stared at his green eyes reflecting the blood colored sky- his eyelashes, and warm skin- Harry gave him a small peck on the lips, then Louis pressed his lips against his.

 

They parted, Louis put his thumb on Harry’s bottom lip- with the sweet taste in his mouth, he pushed it down so softly, then leaned in again, placing a light kiss- then moved his hand to the back of his head, parting their lips.

 

Harry sang along with a whisper, “ _Not a care in the world is where I wanna be_ ,”

 

“ _With the surfers, sand and the sea_.” Louis completed them, warm breath on the young boy’s lips.

 

Harry kissed him again, with Louis running his fingers through his hair. It felt like free falling, going against their numbered days to see where they would land- spending each second with warm palms against one another and soft lips touching, smell of the ocean when they inhale, and thin layers of sand in their lungs.

 

They got out of the car, heads dizzy and sweet. They smiled at each other with the sun in their eyes.

 

Louis got their bags from the backseat, with Harry taking his shoes and shirt off, then wandering off to the beach.

 

He ran a hand through his hair and feeling tears at the corner of his eyes, he shut them. He took it all in- the soft sand under his toes, the salt at the bridge of his nose, in the back of his throat. The sound of the waves filling up his ears, he felt as in he was lying above the clouds- his stomach falling down, his mind floating so effortlessly. Three soft words quietly spilled out of his mouth before he could lock his lips.

 

_I am dying._

 

The pull of gravity dragged him back on his feet, he opened his eyes. Louis watched the soft wind dancing with his hair, hitting his skin with heat and salt. He walked over with slow steps, tossing their stuff on the sand when he got to him.

 

“Love?”

 

“Hm?” Harry went on, without turning to him.

 

“Here.”

 

After an hour or so, they were lying on the ground, nuzzled up against each other with a puffy blanket. They sang quietly together, with Louis pressing soft kisses on Harry every now and then, making him laugh lively.

 

The waves were calm, and the wind was getting thinner. They put their heads down and looked up at the sky. Louis stared at the stars to watch them disappear one by one. He looked over to Harry to see him watching the night sky too- he locked his eyes up again.

 

Harry straightened his back with his elbows and shifted closer to him. Louis felt an arm around his shoulder, pulling him closer to his chest.

 

Louis looked up at him, his head still against his chest. The wind interlacing with Harry’s curls- Louis stared at his eyes, _the stars above wouldn’t even dare_ , he thought with heat rising up in his cheeks.

 

“They’re burning out.” He found himself mumbling mindlessly, eyes locked on the night sky again.

 

“They fell down,”  Harry spoke softly, after a beat passed.

 

Louis felt Harry’s soft fingertips on his left cheek- and right, then landing on his lips. The unspoken words filled his chest with what felt like lilies, leaving him breathless. Their eyes met- he was right, the stars would never dare.

 

*****

  
When they got home, they went straight to bed- the warmth of their skin against the clean, cold pillows, they embraced each other ever so soft, Louis smiling against Harry’s sunkissed cheeks. He inhaled the smell of the beach in their bed, wishing he could never wash away the thin sand in his palm- in Harry’s soft hair, like they were buried together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a note before it really gets into it- I have no close experience with JHD. Everything related with the disease is based on research so obviously there are gonna be medical inaccuracies, some from lack of firsthand information and some because of convenience issues with the fic. In no way I am trying to romanticize it and what it does to people, and I apologize if something offends anyone. For more information about JHD: http://www.hdac.org/caregiving/pdf/juvenilehd.pdf


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the next chapters are gonna be longer, and the next update will be over this weekend or in the next two weeks.
> 
> For this chapter;
> 
> 2\. Lee Hazlewood - Nancy Sinatra / Some Velvet Morning

After all, it was too quick. Without knowing what was happening, Louis started to wake up with Harry shaking next to him- every day, getting out of their bed became harder, as Harry started to trip over his words, and his hands held onto Louis tighter, they both weren’t ready.

 

Exactly one week after they went to the beach, Louis rolled on his back on the bed. His eyelids burned from the lack of sleep. He glanced over to Harry to see him still sleeping. He got up and went down to the kitchen.

 

The doctor mentioned he would have problems with swallowing and speech during middle stages; even with that, Louis cursed to himself every day, watching Harry disappearing slowly in front of his eyes.

 

He placed his meds next to plate of mash and two glasses of warm water on the tray, his heart breaking as he walked towards their bedroom.

 

He pushed the door open and saw Harry sitting in bed, looking down. He went over and placed the tray down. Harry took two of the pills with slow and calm moves, his throat hurt.

 

“Okay?” Louis asked softly.

 

Harry nodded.

 

Louis took some of the mash on the spoon, and gave it over to him- he got it in his mouth and looked up.

 

Louis asked again. “Okay?”

 

Harry paused, then shook his head as a no, spitting it out right after with a bitter face.

 

First of, he didn’t want to _be fed._ He didn’t want every little thing in his life reminding him that he is dying. From walking to eating, talking and sleeping- everything he failed at shouted YOU’RE DYING! back at his face. He stared at Louis.

 

“I don’t want to eat.” He mumbled, avoiding his eyes.

 

Louis swallowed and looked down at his hands. He didn’t want to fight with Harry. Not now.

 

He pushed the tray aside.

 

“You wanna write a bit?” He offered with a light tone. Harry’s eyes found his slowly.

 

He reached back and opened the drawer, taking out his leather journal and a pen. He put them in front of Harry, waiting for him to pick them up.

 

He did, and placed them on his knees. He inhaled deeply.

 

“What do you wanna write?”

 

“What we did today.” Harry murmured as he started writing.

 

_woke up_

 

_sat in bed_

 

Louis watched his slow movements and the pause. “Didn’t have breakfast.” He offered.

 

_didnt have breakfast_

 

Harry wrote down with a small curve on his lips. He looked at the words then tossed the journal away, turning to Louis with a softer glance. “Let’s try it again.”

 

Louis licked his lips and looked down at the tray, placing it between them again. This time, with Harry’s effort, he managed to eat more than half of the plate. As he chewed the last bit more, he got the journal, Louis glanced over.

 

_had breakfast_

 

He swallowed slowly, Louis could almost feel the pain at the back of his own throat.

 

They stayed in their bed for the rest of the day, Harry resting his head on Louis’ chest, Louis pressing sweet kisses on Harry’s head and caressing his hair- they barely noticed what was on TV.

 

At night, they pulled the blankets over, staring at each other in the dark. Harry pressed his hand on Louis’ neck, moving closer. He placed his head under his chin. Louis put his fingers in his hair, stroking the curls softly. He whispered,

 

“Get some sleep, yeah?”

 

Harry hummed and shifted a bit.

 

“Then I can paint your nails in the morning.”

 

“You’re too good, Lou.” Harry murmured lazily.

 

The words eachoed from the first time they left his mouth, too faint to remember.

 

Louis pressed a kiss on his head, shutting his eyes and letting his thoughts fade away, in sync with Harry’s breaths- for the first time in days.

  


*****

  


Harry opened his eyes to the red and orange lights reflecting through the big glass windows in their room, feeling the heat on his skin.

 

If he could just keep waking up to sunsets, he wouldn’t feel so scared. Because staring at the setting sky felt timeless, it made him forget all his pain. His chest heaving, he stared at the thin clouds.

 

He didn’t want to leave. He stumbled over his thoughts- he had so much to do. Every passing day felt like he was dying over and over again, knowing that everything he saw around him was just passing him by.

 

He was so afraid to go.

 

He didn’t want Louis to know, though.

 

And there was nothing peaceful about it. Even so, it tingled his skin whenever the thought came to his mind.

 

He couldn’t help his tears. He grabbed the blanket tightly, his chest shook with every breath- as the sun started to disappear, the darkness was swallowing the room.

 

The colors shined over his glassy eyes, rays pushing through each other like they were racing to fade.

 

" _Harry- love_ _?_ ” came Louis’ soft, slow voice, almost like a whisper- and Harry lost it.

 

“ _Lou_ -” he managed to gasp between shaky sobs, wrapping his arms around him.

 

Louis straightened his back, his hand on the back of Harry’s head- he put his other hand on his cheek. Harry’s head was resting on his chest, his trembling hands pulling on his shirt-

 

_"I’m dying_ ,” He managed to get out, his lips shaking.

 

Louis felt as in a sharp dagger twisted in his stomach.

 

_"M’ so scared Lou,_ ” He took a shaky breath, his chest falling with every sob- Louis wrapped his arms around him tightly- he pressed a kiss on his head with heavy tears falling down,

 

“I’m not letting you go, Harry _._ ” He managed to whisper, his grip tightening. “I’m holding you till all the stars in the sky fall down.”

 

That cut out a breathy sob from Harry- moving his head up so he could place it in the crook of Louis’ neck, “ _Promise?_ ”

 

Louis felt the young boy’s trembling lips against his heated skin. He felt as in he was holding 16-year-old Harry against his chest, something stuck in throat. “ _Promise_.”

 

*****

  


“Love, you sure you wanna stay out?” Louis pressed his lips together.

 

“M’ fine.” Harry murmured, the wet grass soaking the back of his shirt. “Smells nice after the rain.”

 

The lights from their house reflected outside, he shut his eyes and inhaled deeply.

 

Louis hummed, then looked up at the night sky covered in thick, dark clouds. The sounds of the garden seemed to quiet down after a while, leaving them alone with their calm breaths.

 

“Can you do something for me Louis?”

 

“Anything- what do you need?”

 

A beat passed.

 

“I will have some problems, with-, uhm, speaking.” He paused. “Quite soon.” He added with a teary eyed chuckle, his breath shaking.

 

Louis turned his head to look at him.

 

“You know I hate silence,” his voice started to shake, he inhaled. “And it’ll be quiet around, when I can’t…”  Louis listened to his words fade with a burning feeling in his chest. “So when it comes to that- can you sing for me?”

 

Louis smiled with a bump in his throat, his voice came out rough. “Of course love.”

 

They stayed silent for another moment. Harry watched the clouds fading away slowly, heaviness of the dark sky above him.

 

“Louis?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

He paused. “Can you sing for me now?”

 

Louis breathed shakily, trying to push his thoughts away. He looked up at the sky, clear from the clouds. After a moment, he decided on one song.

 

“ _Flowers growing on a hill,_ ” He started singing softly and slow- his voice small, but etheral. “ _Dragonflies_ -”

 

“- _and daffodils_ ,” Harry went on with a steady voice, closing his eyes.

 

They sang-, voices heaving into each other, soft, and heavenly. “ _Learn from us, very much,”_

 

They sang again, the wind started to whistle with them, _“Look at us, but do not touch._ ” They listened to the leaves ruffling in the background- they kept singing, Suddenly Harry felt like the wind was pulling him up easily, he felt his bones getting lighter with each lift of the cold breeze. The night felt as if it lit up with colors undiscovered, he felt his arms go numb, he watched the moon reach out and grab him by his waist, pulling him up effortlessly. He felt his skin glowing, he looked down at Louis- grinning lively at how small he looked from all the way up.

 

“Louis, I thought we ran out of mushrooms.” He slurred mindlessly, his eyes focused on the moon.

 

“The _what?_ ” Louis’ words were left unheard.

  


*****

  


Harry opened his eyes gasping, first thing he-

 

“Harry- oh my god,” Louis breathed out, waves of relief washing over him.

 

Harry’s hands gripped the bed sheets, acknowledging the surroundings. He looked around the bedroom- dim with a yellow light, lukewarm. His head on the pillow, blanket over his chest- his eyes drifting over to Louis sitting on the bed next to him.

 

Louis who looked like an absolute mess- eyes puffy, his lips swollen. His hair all over the place- his skin dry and faded. Harry hated himself for letting Louis fall apart with him.

 

_I was so scared_ , Louis pushed the words away right after he thought of them. _I thought you would never wake up-I didn’t know what to do-_

 

_“_ You’re alright,” He looked at Harry, taking a deep breath. Not sure who he’s really comforting with the words.

 

“What happened?” Harry’s lips felt a little numb.

 

Louis paused, the words making sense just seconds later then they should.

 

_That wasn’t supposed to happen,_ a tiny, quiet thought buzzed weakly in his mind- at the very, very back.

 

“You had another, uh,-” He clenched his teeth, “seizure- you blacked out.”

 

Harry opened his mouth, then locked his lips together. He couldn’t find the words he was desperately looking for.

 

_This shouldn’t be happening,_ something whispered to him, sending shivers.

 

They caught each other’s eyes at that very second, almost reading one another.

 

All of the sudden, the air felt heavy. Louis didn’t want to talk- simply because that meant Harry would too.

 

Which was something they were unpleasently afraid of. It felt so off- knowing that if Harry opened his mouth he may not be able to make sense- maybe he would slur the words, maybe nothing would come out.

 

For Harry, it felt like everything around him would lose color, the mornings losing the sunlight- the sunsets losing red. It meant him losing Louis, and being left in blue. Because he would feel inevitably alone, to lose such a big aspect of what he’s offering to the world felt like someone grabbed his intestines tight and twisted them. Always having something unbloomed at the tip of this tongue, not being able to let it spill.

 

For Louis, it felt bitter- making him tear up furiously, digging his nails into the palm of his hand. But it also made him feel helpless, and so, so small- and fragile, like he would collapse with one touch. Because he spent 4 years listening to him- maybe Harry didn’t think he paid attention at first, but he listened to every single word. He listened to him losing the trace of his thoughts, he listened to him talking on and on tirelessy, he was patient with him when he was thinking on his words too long- and he was patient with him when he was frustrated. Because Harry’s voice was just there; either going on about a commercial he saw on TV, or explaining the efficacious angle in his photographs, or just a random thing that crossed through his mind in the middle of the night- Louis did listen it all.

 

He stared at the young boy’s green eyes, his chest felt heavy.

 

_I don’t wanna forget your voice,_ Louis buried the unspoken words deep in the back of his mind.

 

*****

 

Harry woke up to an empty bed, inhaling quietly. The door was open, he listened to the soft mumbles coming from downstairs but couldn’t really make out the words.

 

“I can’t have you guys here. I don’t think he can do it.” Louis held the phone tightly. “Zayn-” His voice was cut off- he exhaled deeply, “He almost lost his voice.” His tone got firm but low, with a trace of concern undernath. “I thought- I thought he would never speak again-” He closed his eyes, throwing his head back-he listened to the words flowing from the other line, calm and collected- almost as reassuring as they were intended to be. He locked his lips and listened, feeling the tears at the corner of his baby blue eyes.

 

“ _I can’t do it Zayn-_ ” his voice cracked, “I thought I could but I can’t- I can’t stand watching him die,” he felt the tears rolling down and burning his cheeks, his chest shook with a high pitched sob- “He’s so _young_ Zayn-” he could barely manage to whisper, “This wasn’t supposed to happen to him- not to _him-”_  he squeaked weakly, his chest tightening,

 

He listened to Zayn’s soothing voice on the other line- nodded with hot tears rolling down.

 

_Louis, do you need me to come over?_ He swallowed after hearing the words- letting out a shaky breath. He whispered with trembling lips. “ _Yeah I do_.”

 

He hung up after mumbling some goodbyes faintly, leaning on to the kitchen counter after putting the phone down. He pressed his elbows down harder, wiping his tears off with his hands.

 

“ _Louis!_ ”

 

His head turned back quickly- hearing the shout coming from the bedroom. He felt his skin burn as he rushed upstairs- his stomach flipping, he stepped into the room gasping for air-

 

“ _Harry-_ ” He saw him sitting at the side of the bed, his feet touching the ground- looking up at him with glassy eyes-

 

“ _I can’t do it-_ _why can’t I do it_ -” He pleaded, his eyes begging for an answer,

 

“ _Harry_ , what’s wrong?” He asked firmly, -scared, something burning in his stomach.

 

“My-” He let out a quick, sharp breath, avoiding Louis’ eyes, “my legs- they won’t work,-” his voice shook, a quiet sob escaped his mouth. “ _I’m trying_ \- but they are not moving- _Lou_ ,” he looked up at him, “I know how to do this- Why can’t I do it?”

 

Louis’ feet dragged him towards the bed, his lips hanging open slightly. He kneeled in front of Harry, looking up at him.

 

“ _Louis_ ,” His tears started to pool at the corner of his bright green eyes that used to beam with light-

 

“ _I am sorry,-”_ the words spilled out of Louis’ mouth quietly, a bump in the back of his throat. “ _Harry_ \- I am so, _so-”_

 

_“Lou,”_

 

“- _sorry, love_ -”

 

Harry’s tears started to roll down his cheeks, his breath hitching- he leaned forward, Louis placed his shaky hands on his cheeks, Harry’s soft curls enlacing with his delicate fingers.

 

He watched the young boy’s lips tremble, he leaned in and pressed his forehead against his.

 

Harry whispered his name mindlessly, shutting his eyes- his warm breath hitting Louis’ lips. Louis whispered back his _sorry_ ’s over and over again- weaker, quieter, aching.

  


*****

  


Louis woke up the next morning with Harry wrapped in his arms, his soft hair against his chin. He caressed his cheek, and pressed a sweet kiss on his head. Every morning they would have that exact moment- but Harry would nuzzle his cheek, wrap his arms tighter, like it was the first time.

 

Louis knew that meant something.

 

He took a deep breath to calm himself down. Harry looked up.

 

“My hair’s all tangled.” He mumbled with a raspy voice.

Louis glanced over at his hands. “That washed out too.” Harry stared down with him.

 

“Let’s fix that, yeah?”

 

Harry hummed in response, straightening his back- watching Louis get up and walk over to the mirror and the dressing table.

 

He reached down and opened a drawer, getting a hairbrush. Then he glanced over a shelf for a bit, then reaching out for another drawer.

 

“Any- uh- particular color?” He asked, reading the labels on the bottles.

 

“Something...blue.”

 

“I have...azure?” He took out a bottle, reading it- he scrunched his nose.

 

“No.”

 

“Um, sapphire?”

 

“Nope.”

 

“Cerulean.”

 

“Not really feeling that.”

 

“Cyan.” He read another bottle. “Nevermind, it’s actually very ugly.”

 

Harry let air out his nose, looking down with a smirk.

 

“ _Federal_ blue.” He raised his brow, observing the bottle.

 

Harry sighed in exaggeration.

 

Louis tossed the bottle away, mumbling. “How does every label manage to get more stupid, I’m astounded.” He heard Harry’s quiet grin behind him.

 

He ran his fingers through the bottles- all the colors, pink, red, some black and shiny metalic grays. Took out one. “Navy blue.”

 

“Hm, I don’t really-”

 

“ _Harold_ , are you telling me you literally have all these shades _memorized_ ,-” He turned to look at Harry, who stared at him then avoided his eyes with a laugh he can’t contain.

 

“I should kick your arse.” Louis turned his back, took out a bottle and walked over to the bed. “You probably know which one I’m holding, it’s the last blue left.”

 

Louis watched him consider it.

 

“Don’t you dare.” He sat in front of Harry. “Weirdo.”

 

He opened the bottle, Harry placed his right hand on Louis’ left knee. They shared a look, then Louis started painting his nails, leaning in.

 

He glanced up at times, catching Harry looking down at his own legs, like he just remembered-

 

“Good?” He blurted out, getting the attention. Harry nodded.

 

“I can do yours too.” He offered, watching Louis’ delicate wrist.

 

“No, thanks.” He mumbled lowly, keeping his focus.

 

“You liked it before.”

 

“That one time.”

 

" _F_ _our_ times,” Harry corrected. “What do you have against nail polish?” He furrowed his brows, a childish offence in his tone that made Louis smile.

 

“S’ just not my thing.”

 

He finished one hand, patting his other knee with a warm smile. Harry placed his left hand on his right knee.

 

After he finished that too, he put the bottle away and looked at Harry’s hands in the air with a proud smirk. He got up, walking over the mirror.

 

“You’re getting better.” Harry commented simply, observing his nails up close.

 

Louis nodded unconsciously, taking the hairbrush off the table- walking back and settling in on his spot.

 

“Turn back, love.” He tapped Harry’s shoulder softly, watching him shift in his place and turn his back to him. He ran his fingers through his hair, letting it fall on his shoulders. “Tell me if it hurts, yeah?”

 

Harry hummed in response, inhaling calmly.

 

Louis started brushing his hair softly, taking his time. A beat passed.

 

Harry looked down. “Louis?”

 

“Hmm?” He hummed, focused.

 

“Why weren’t you there the night I got home?”  

 

He noticed Louis slowing down, his grip softening too. “I was in LA.” Came his answer after a long moment, almost like a whisper.

 

“No, _why_?”

 

Louis stared at the tangles he was working on. “Had some last minute business to do- nothing big.”

 

Harry furrowed his brows- “What kind of business?”

 

He went on with a sigh. “Thing is- I was supposed to be home before your flight,-”

 

“ _What kind of business_ , Louis?”

 

“Sign some papers.” Harry waited. A long beat passed- Louis felt the words spilling out. “For a house.”

 

“You-?” Harry turned back to look at him, soft and frizzy curls bounced on his shoulders, sun shining bright on his cheeks- Louis took his hands off. The words he couldn’t form faded into thin air.

 

His eyes locked on Harry’s, he felt his palms burn. “It was supposed to be a surprise.” He looked down at his hands, his voice small. “Wanted you to see it early.”

 

He didn’t want to tell him,- what was the point when Harry couldn’t get to see it?

 

After a while- for a time that was hard for Louis to guess- Harry leaned in, enlacing their fingers together, one hand moving up to hold Louis’ cheek.

 

“Can’t wait to see it.” Harry whispered, his lips curving into a soft smile but his eyes still haunting-, something in his voice tightened Louis’ chest.

 

“Harry,-” He murmured, feeling the tears pooling.

 

“We’ll go next summer, yeah?” Harry smiled with a bump in his throat, “Around June- after flowers set from the citrus trees, so our days can smell like oranges.”

 

Louis nodded faintly, Harry took a shaky breath- “Summertime,” He caressed Louis’ cheek softly- whispering, “ _summertime and butterflies_.” He smiled, wiping the thin tears rolling down off Louis’ cheeks. “I can chase you in the garden till we’re both out of breath.”

 

They both knew he won’t make it to next summer.

 

Louis looked away, his tears rolling down quicker- Harry felt his hands burning, maybe it was Louis’.

 

“Does it have a big garden, Louis?”

 

Louis turned to him, nodding weakly.

 

“It does?”

 

He nodded again, almost leaning in to rest his head against Harry’s chest. He looked at his eyes, his voice came out small. “Does.” He took a deep breath, his chest heaving with Harry’s touch on his cheeks- burning.

 

“I already like it.” Harry inhaled with a smile, his tone sweet. “Thank you.” He caressed Louis’ cheek with his thumb softly.

 

“You’re worth a thousand suns, Lou.”

 

Louis chuckled weakly, with the bump in the back of his throat, “That’s a bit unrealistic, don’t you think?” His eyes were still glassy from the tears-, his lips curving into a small smile, then Harry leaned forward and pressed them shut with his own, leaving him breathless.

 

He felt Louis’ flushed cheeks under his touch, he ran his fingers through his soft hair. Their lips parted, the moment seemed to slow down.

 

Suddenly the sun felt like it was shining too bright. Harry kissed him again- with both of them grinning lively.

 

Harry stared into the boy’s baby blue eyes that beamed, his voice low- he spoke softly. “Happy days?”

 

Louis nodded with a fond smile. “Happy days.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry I dragged this out for so long I know, I just never got around to post it. I don't know if y'all are gonna believe me when I say I will post regularly but I will.

 

“Louis?” Harry opened his eyes next morning- to the sunlight filling the room, feeling the hot, heavy air around.

 

Louis nuzzled his cheek against the pillow, humming unconsciously.

 

“Lou?” He mumbled, turning his head right to look at him. He poked his shoulder, watching his eyes open slowly.

 

“Lou?” He asked again- softer, inhaling quietly.

 

“Yeah.” Louis looked up at the ceiling, his hand resting on his stomach under the puffy blanket.

 

“Can we move the piano back here? From Doncaster.”

  


 

*****

  


 

In a couple of days, the black grand piano was at the side of their bedroom, somehow making the room seem even bigger- in front of the big glass windows facing the garden.

 

On the first day, Harry nudged Louis’ shoulder lightly- pointing at the piano and straightening his back. Louis let him shift over to his place- standing up, he looked down at Harry. He smiled up at him, placing a firm hand on his shoulder for balance as Louis held his waist and got him up.

 

Harry was towering over him, and Louis was sure if he had to take a couple of more steps they would both end up on the ground instead. He dragged Harry towards the bench and Harry placed his hands on the side of the piano, holding on as he pulled himself closer- scuffling. He sat down- Louis’ hands soft on his shoulders. He took a rather choked breath, leaning forward, his hands on his stomach.

 

After his breaths became steady, he looked up at Louis- turning his right shoulder. He looked down at the keys as Louis walked back towards the bed and took off his shirt, reaching for the drawer to get a cigarette packet, and a lighter next to the bedside lamp. He sat back on the bed, watching Harry.

 

Harry inhaled- his lips curved up just for a second, that Louis could’ve missed it if he blinked. He placed his fingers softly on the keys, not pressing them down. He ran his fingers through the white, soft surface. He listened Louis opening the packet.

 

He pressed the keys down so ever lighty, feeling like the air finally made its way into his lungs with the first notes that spilled out. Louis lit his cigarette, laid his back against the headboard.

 

He took a long drag, with Harry focused on the keys- the notes flowed after one another, his touch firm but soft. With the light reflecting on his skin, his hair looked as it shined with color- flowers all round. So delicate and fragile, yet so effortlessly beautiful, Louis compared him to John Everett’s _Ophelia_. Like strands of gold around his shoulders- his curls caressed his cheek. His lips shiny and soft, parted so slightly, his breaths steady and calm.

 

His long curls shook on his shoulders as he leaned back, his touch getting even lighter, hitting a rather high and clear note- then going back to the heavy, sombre ones, just to build up the crescendo and let it fade again. With the setting sun, the room seemed to lose it’s light.

 

Louis blew the smoke out softly, letting it hang in the air as he listened to every dark and haunting thing that seemed to leave Harry’s fingertips with the lightest push.

 

He closed his eyes and put his head back, swallowed- his ear ringing with the high and lively notes, followed by the familiar ones again.

 

Harry pushed his hair back when he caught a moment, then leaning back in again.

 

Louis seemed to lose count of it all, he took a drag again, blowing the smoke right after roughly. Harry was too focused, frowning as the sounds got softer, the keys feeling more heavy under his touch. He went on without a single pause, like a steady flow of a clear, lively river. He inhaled, his lungs feeling like they were hitting the edges of his chest, pressing on his ribs- he blinked slowly.

 

Louis’ chest shook with a rather strong pull, the tip of the cigarette lighting up his cheeks. The sun was setting, his eyes caught a sight of Harry- after what seemed like years, he noticed he had stopped. That didn’t take away the sound from his ears though- he still felt like the keys were pressing down on their own, the melody felt like it was fading away but really, it didn’t. It went on, Harry was resting his head on his arms, placed on the piano- staring back at Louis, his lips locked. His eyes felt haunting, the red light darkening his face with shadows from the back of his head, forming a layer around his curls- like electric, burning. Louis’ cheekbones lit up with the cigarette once more, his eyes still locked on. He caught the young boy’s green eyes shining in the dark just for a moment.

 

It was like Harry whispered his name somewhere along, his eyes beaming with a trace of something that felt yellow. But it was so hard to reach, the color never felt that distant before.

 

Yellow used to feel like May; lilacs blooming, lying with Harry on soft grass, when he was 17- his skin warm and sunkissed, eyelashes brushing his freckles. His eyes so young, shining with the sun if not brighter- a curly fringe on his forehead. Louis would tuck his hair behind, pressing his lips on his cheeks, spilling out whispers that he just couldn’t remember after. Maybe for the best, yellow felt like never ending afternoons with warm wind and soft grins, eating fresh strawberries, lips dark pink from sweet kisses.

 

Now it just got under his skin.

 

 

*****

 

 

Not so long after, Louis woke up one day- being harshly shaken, held by his shoulders. His stomach dropped at the sight,- Harry’s cheeks wet from heavy tears flowing down, his lips trembling, but not a single word coming out.

 

And Louis was expecting it to -something in his gut kept telling him to never stop-, because this wasn’t supposed to happen, not this morning, but it kept happening. And it kept happening more louder and harsher, tearing out every bit of his heart from his chest, and never stopped.

 

He held Harry against his chest till his shaky breaths seemed to die down, his tightened fists on Louis’ shirt softening- his choked out sobs unhearable.

 

Louis felt like he lost his voice with him- unable to find words, he just held him close and tight. Close enough, so he wouldn’t feel lost- and tight enough so that he wouldn’t slip away.

 

Later in the day, Louis carried Harry to the bathroom on the back of his shoulder, getting his clothes off- with him holding onto the wall. He looked at Harry’s shoulder blades sticking out. He helped him get into the tub, filled with warm water- the right temperature so that it wouldn’t flush his sensitive skin.

 

He sat behind him, his fingers running through his hair softly, massaging his scalp with the shampoo. Nothing but the echo of the running water around them, he rinsed it carefully, then washed it again.

 

After scrubbing him clean- with Harry not moving a limb, not even reacting to anything, Louis chest was too tight to stay with him there. Every inch of Harry’s body felt like life was drawn out of him. His bones felt sharper under his skin, sinking into Louis’ soft palm. He got out and help him step out, which nearly had him fall down and break a bone, Louis’ mind felt too heavy.

 

Harry held onto the wall wrapped in a towel- Louis stepped over and held his left hand, throwing it around his own arm, his other hand holding Harry’s right hand, he balanced his chest and dragged him over the bed. He held Harry while he sat down and looked up at Louis.

 

He started drying his hair with another towel, trying to look away from Harry’s teary eyes- because he had to be calm, and with one look he was gonna start sobbing right there.

 

He had to be steady for him, to keep him on the ground.

 

At least until Zayn was here.

 

He texted him last night, telling he would visit tomorrow around evening. He asked about Harry- and Louis responded with _all fine, resting :)_ with a little smile on his face, his tiny fingers hanging on the letters too long. He locked his phone and put it down next to the glass of water, taking one last look at Harry before going to sleep.

 

His last word was _Lou_.

 

Just a simple touch of the tounge; his words stripped so thin till the end, empty of weight, texture, and meaning. They kept spilling, lighter with each syllable. His sentences simpler with each change of phrase, his eyes emptier as he kept searching. Just a simple touch of the tongue, _Lou_.

 

But in the end, the only thing he could say made sense, and not even a thousand words could replace the meaning.

 

 

*****

 

 

When Zayn knocked on the door, Harry was already asleep in Louis’ arms.

 

He carefully placed his head on the pillow, tucking him in softly. He pushed the blanket off and stood up. The second he was within more than an armreach of Harry, he felt the bump in the back of his throat. He clenched his teeth to keep himself from looking back- a small sob escaping his lips as he got out of their room and went downstairs, walking over to the door with glassy eyes.

 

He opened it and Zayn looked up at him, Louis watched him get in, then pushed the door shut- Zayn felt too scared to touch him, he looked like a marble statue with glued pieces.

 

Louis let out a shaky breath, then took a step to close the distance and wrap his arms around Zayn tightly, his heavy tears spilling down on his knit jumper.

 

His chest shook against Zayn’s- every choked up sob burned. “I’m here.” Zayn whispered into his hair, the older boy’s head resting low on his chest, now even lower with his small, shaky hands gripping at his back. “ _Lou- I’m here_.”

 

“ _Zayn_ ,” He whined- his voice muffled. He pressed his forehead down on his shoulder-

 

“ _I don’t know what to do._ ” His voice came out so small, Zayn almost couldn’t pick it up.

 

“Feels like m’ dying every day _._ ” He whispered, his lips trembling.

 

Zayn swallowed- hot tears burning his eyes. “He’s still with you- He’s still here, yeah? _”_ His voice was strained, he placed his hand on the back of Louis’ head.

 

Louis nodded weakly, sniffing. He whispered faintly- into the soft, white jumper, “ _Yeah_.”

 

“Yeah, see?” Zayn caressed his hair, shushing his high pitched sobs softly, “It’s okay Lou,- you have every right to be scared.” He looked down at him, his voice soothing and words delicate.

 

“Yeah?” Louis’ eyelids burned from the tears, he looked up.

 

Zayn nodded- placing his hand on Louis’ cheek. “Just be there with him,” He spoke slowly and soft, “ _We’re_ here for you both, Lou, all of us-”

 

Louis took a shaky breath, his eyelashes wet. He wiped his tears, still leaning against Zayn’s chest.

 

“Just say the word.”

 

Louis nodded, taking a deep breath and blinking a few times. He took one step back, his hands still holding onto the jumper. Zayn placed his hands at the sides of his shoulders- keeping him standing, despite his weak knees.

 

After Louis calmed down and Zayn hugged him more, Louis went upstairs to check on Harry- leaving the door open. Every second he spent his back facing Harry felt like he was desperately saying something Louis can’t hear. Which.

 

Louis told Zayn about it all- they eventually went upstairs to smoke cigarettes in the balcony, which made Louis feel calmer.

 

Zayn pulled the sleeves of his jumper to cover his knuckles- took a long drag of his cigarette, his knees up against his stomach and his back against the glass door. Louis lit another cigarette, glancing over him, then turning over to stare at the garden.

 

The night darkening the trees- the wind ruffling through. They stared at the endless clear sky together.

 

“Piano’s back.” Zayn mumbled, blowing out smoke.

 

Louis looked back inside, his eyes cathing Harry’s chest falling with ease before turning back. “Yeah,- he wanted it.”

 

“You play it for him?”

 

They heard soft, high pitched noises of birds flying past the roof. “He does.” Louis answered, his voice low. “I carry him.” They looked up to see the birds, but the dark sky made it impossible to, so they listened to the clap of their wings fade away.

 

 

One morning where Louis woke up before Harry, he stayed right where he was, the right side of the bed- watching him.

 

Yeah, the sunlight was on his skin, every ray sliding smoothly. And okay, his braids looked beautiful; his eyelashes were long and his cheeks were the same color- the color when Louis loved him. And his pink lips shiny and plump, his hand placed on the pillow; delicate and soft, he did look beautiful.

 

On the tip of Louis’ tounge- something he kept missing bothered him. A detail that messed with the big picture, something so obvious but hard to notice with a simple glance. But...everything looked familiar as ever.

 

Except, his eyes drifted over Harry’s collarbones. More visible and strong- then found his sharp cheekbones and his bony fingers. Louis couldn’t look away.

 

His eyes followed down, locking on the butterfly tattoo, and his ribs.

 

He found himself shifting closer to Harry, his palm on his stomach. He placed his head under his chin, staring down at the two birds on his chest. Harry shifted, lying on his back. Louis’ left arm against his- Harry’s right hand on the puffy blanket and Louis’ right arm bent, hand resting softly on the pillow.

 

The rose lining up with the dagger; the arrow pointing at the heart, the ship next to the compass and the anchor across it’s rope.

 

Harry looked down at their hands, with _good morning_ ’s he could never whisper.

 

 

 

*****

 

 

(It took Louis a week and 6 days to convince Harry about the wheelchair. Harry didn’t like being strolled around, and being carried down the stairs tested his tolerance. But so did staying between walls all day. But here he was, lying on the wet grass with Louis next to him. He turned his head to look at him. The moonlight on his skin, his cheekbones high and shaped, lips shiny. He could almost see the stars.Louis felt his eyes linger on, meeting them shortly. He smiled out of the blue. Harry found himself smiling back, unable to resist.

 

Louis was something else.

 

The wind ruffled the tall trees across the garden, facing the house. And in that moment he just let himself forget.)

 

 

*****

 

 

Louis’ eyes lingered on the shiny glass half filled with lemonade. The warm wind carried the fresh smell in the air smoothly, mixing it with the blueberry cake. Harry poked it mindlessly with his clean fork.

 

A waiter picked up Harry’s empty glass on the side in a rush as he walked by- the wind ruffled the pages of the little, leather journal placed next to Harry’s arm.

 

They listened to the low mumbles around the tables, cars passing them on the other side. Harry caught Lancelot’s eyes above Louis’ shoulder from a table at the far back, talking to a couple of guys who seemed interested in what was going on.

 

Harry sighed quietly, looked down at his thighs.

 

“Zayn called.” Louis silently spoke, his eyes on Harry’s hands.

 

Harry hummed, not looking up.

 

“Called us to his house. Boys’ll be there too.” His voice faded. “Up for it?”

 

The words hung in the air weightless, Harry looked up at him.

 

It was strange how the idea made him feel uncomfortable, and it was even worse admitting that. Being with Zayn was somehow okay, because he actually took the tense out of the air. He was strong enough to keep both of them on the ground. And Harry admitted- Liam tried to be like that, but it just wasn’t him. The quick glances he caught between split seconds, as an effective reminder of where they stood. And it just got worse with Niall, because he was quiet too. He often looked like he was angry at something- or confused, always deep in thought. But he would stay quiet and maybe one day he would talk about it. Harry was never really surprised with how much they were alike.

 

It felt like they were divided as two and three more than ever. And for some reason, when it came to Louis, he didn’t feel like he could put a label on it. With everything going on, Louis was just there, standing right next to him no matter where he ended up.

 

It was not easy to pinpoint a moment and call it _the start of my symptoms._ No one really knew, and Harry just wished he did.

 

The worst part was the the sunsets. He was counting them. Harry felt like the sun was passing him by faster. Like Louis, the night sky and everything in between.

 

Louis stared at him, waiting for an answer.

 

He shook his head lightly, as a _no_.

 

After a long silence Louis muttered something as he stood up with his phone, Harry didn’t listen to the words but nodded.

 

Louis sighed as he walked towards the corner of the cafe. He unlocked his phone and dialed the first number in _recents_.

 

Harry looked over to Lancelot and saw him standing up, his hand firmly pressing a guy with a camera back, blocking his view. He shut the notebook and pushed the plate and the glass of lemonade aside. His eyes searched for Louis. He grabbed the crutches from the side, pulled himself up, pushing the chair away with his hip as he reached for his wallet. He balanced himself and took money out, placing it under the plate with a swift move. He heard someone calling his name from the far back, in that familiar _I’m here to bother you_ tone. He tried to squirm his way through.

 

He wasn’t doing it because he was fed up or annoyed, far from it.

 

He tried to push himself forward, his ankle hit the chair, he clenched his teeth.

 

“Harry!” A man loudly shouted, “Harry, we just wanna ask a couple of questions, man!” His voice faded with all the noise around him, the mumbles and Lancelot’s firm tone.

 

All the heads started to turn, Harry felt even worse, trying to drag himself forward. He took a deep, shaky breath, he squeezed himself through the glass door, stepping inside and listening to the sounds blocked by the door increasing.

 

“ _Harry_ -” Louis suddenly grabbed his shoulder, Harry whined, almost falling over. They went over the door and was just about to leave when Harry stopped abruptly. His eyes searched back their table, his feet at the door wanting nothing but to leave.

 

“What-” Louis looked over, then at Harry’s quicky hand motions. “Oh-” He took his hands off his shoulders and went back to their table, grabbing the journal and walking towards the glass door with Lancelot following him behind.

 

They got in the car in minutes, with no paps around the back door. He sat in the back seat with Harry, still holding the journal.

 

Louis thumbed over the brown leather softly, some pages sticking out from the side. His eyes caught up on the words carved on the cover, they weren’t there last morning.

 

Driving through a tunnel, he waited for the yellow lights to shine so he could make out the words one by one.

 

 

_one day i’d like to meet your mouth_

**Author's Note:**

> So, the end of chapter one. Thanks for reading! I would really like to hear what you think.


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